Child-Initiated Sharing

As an educator "sharing" is a word that makes me cringe when referenced to young children. As a parent, I want my son to be generous, kind, respectful of others and respected by others. I want adults and children to see his intentions as honorable and from a thoughtful place and yes, to someday to have the ability to share. Not share in the traditional sense of giving up something to another but share his enthusiasm, experiences, and curiosity about the world and then negotiate and problem solve when conflicts arise. For a young child sharing is probably the hardest thing to do when it is imposed on them because another child wants something they have. However, when sharing is on the child's terms he/she is more than willing to offer an item.

Zadie offers Xavier the paint brush she is using.

Zadie offers a ball to Max & Xavier

Kaia offers a container to her mom while Sebastien wants his papa to taste a container.

These photos illustrate a very young child's desire to share their experiences and explorations with another person. This is the beginning of developing the ability to share. As parents, facilitating, modeling, and reciprocating sharing with our own child is the best way to help them to naturally want to share as they grow older. Yet, society expects parents to MAKE their children share.

Sharing as a concept that is difficult even for some adults. There are two definitions of sharing. The first is to give a portion of (something) to another or others. In most situations, a child is playing with a toy and another child indicates that they want the toy so the parent says something like "share your toys" and expects the child to do so. How can one child give a portion of the toy to another child? They can't. The child has to GIVE UP the toy they are using to the other child.

How often as adults do we GIVE UP something to another adult while in the midst of using it. Take for example, I'm writing my shopping list and my husband comes in and wants the pen I'm using. I ask him to wait until I'm done (otherwise I'll completely forget what we need). He huffs and puffs and insists he needs that pen. I can't break the pen in half so we can both use it. I can offer another pen which he may or may not take. Just then an older, wiser and bigger adult walks in and insists that I give my pen to my husband but I am still in in the midst of a thought. Do they then take the pen out of my hand and give it to my husband? If we witnessed this situation we see how disrespectful the older, wiser, bigger adult is being.

This is why in most situations children can't share a toy, it's just not possible. A child who is using a toy is in the midst of learning, exploring, discovering and is interrupted when sharing occurs. When we ask children to share we are not honoring their ideas and thoughts in the moment with that particular item. Now children can take turns, offer to swap for a different toy, or find a similar toy with the help of a more capable adult but very rarely can young children share. Sharing food is more likely to happen as there is usually more than one of the same item. Lately, we've all eaten the mushy cheerio our child has offered to share with us.

Now let's examine the second definition of sharing - to use, occupy, or enjoy (something) jointly with another or others. Now this thought is great when children begin to actually move into cooperative play and that happens usually between two and three years of age. Yet, the child-initiated sharing in the photos above is this kind of sharing. The sharing that exudes warmth and tenderness, excitement and joy. If we begin to look at children as small citizens with rights that are the same as ours then sharing becomes a term that no longer defines their behavior but one that limits it. I would have loved to have heard the mother at the playground say "I see you're using the truck and that little boy came over and he wants to use it, can we see if he would like a different toy?" Instead I hear "you need to learn to share" while making the child give up the toy.

One thing studying the Reggio Approach has taught me is that respecting young children leads to respectful young children. One thing parenting has taught me is that it takes mindful and continual practice to respect a child who communicates not yet in words but in sounds, actions, and sometimes tears.

Watch as Zadie shares with Max's mom a few balls from the ball bin. Pay close attention to Max as he watches Zadie and then offers her back one of the balls that his mom rolls near him. It is subtle but profound in his intention, it is as if he was saying "Mom, Zadie was using that ball". Now Zadie doesn't see his offering but the intention is in the spirit of sharing.